5 Marrëdhënia vrasësit Dhe How To Avoid Them

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories - overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled - of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance - withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant - which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner's resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner's anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner's addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear - of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner's plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download Sigurisht lidhjes tonë të lirë e brendshme dhe të fillojnë të praktikës Gjashtë Hapat e lidhjes Inner. Praktikën e përditshme nga këto hapa do të lëvizë ju nga sjellja juaj Addictive dhe kontrollin dhe në përgjegjësinë personale të nevojshme për të shëruar marrëdhënien tuaj.

Rate Article

Related Videos
Play Video How to Understand French Gender and Definite Articles	Play Video How Men Deal With Breakups	Play Video Secrets to A Happy Marriage	Play Video Taksi Teoria e Dating	Play Video 25 Dating Dos Dhe Don'ts

Listuara më poshtë janë artikuj të tjera në lidhje me artikullin e mësipërme nga kategorinë "Marrëdhënie" neni.

Njerëzit e interesuar në artikull mbi "5 Marrëdhënia vrasësit Dhe How To Avoid Them" janë të interesuar edhe në artikuj të lidhura ilustruara më poshtë: